


Awkward Conversations

by Childish_Tendancys



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Agender Nathaniel, Depression, Emotional Shit, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Queer Themes, queer character/s
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-01 23:39:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17253545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Childish_Tendancys/pseuds/Childish_Tendancys
Summary: I have literally no idea if I'm going to update this, Iv'e never posted any of my writing before and I don't keep to the most productive writing schedule.





	1. circular motions, circular emotions

**Author's Note:**

> I have literally no idea if I'm going to update this, Iv'e never posted any of my writing before and I don't keep to the most productive writing schedule.

“Coming to you live, the Evillustrator, the latest of paris’s super villains, has just been defeated by Ladybug and Chat Noir-”  
“Coming to you live, the Evillustrator, the latest of paris’s super villains, has just been defeated by Ladybug and Chat Noir-”  
“Coming to you live, the Evillustrator, the latest of paris’s super villains, has just been defeated by Ladybug and Chat Noir-”  
“Co-”  
The video, that has been looping for the last ten minutes with the audio muted, is closed, and the phone turned off. In those few seconds the camera had shown the Evillustrator, and then… Nathaniel, disregarding privacy, and now everyone had seen. The whole class, the whole of paris.  
Marinette…. It wasn’t supposed to go like that, it wasn’t supposed to go anywhere, Marinette is beautiful and kind, but I wouldn’t have approached her, asked her out, yelled at her…. It’s so obvious that she likes Adrien… who wouldn’t? He’s a model, he’s gorgeous, and nice, and funny, and… they’re a perfect match. And I would have moved on… eventually.  
But it’s not as bad as people looking at me. Looking at me and comparing me to that…Him.  
Nathaniel's eyes close, as they rest their head on the back of the chair. The captioned words hadn’t mattered much, but the pictures, the pictures. The suit Evillustrator had worn had been so… tight. And the hair looked shorter, and the….  
The voice….  
“Nathaniel! You’re going to be late for school! Do you… want some breakfast?” the last bit is tentative.  
“No thanks mom!” Nathaniel winces at the unfortunately necessary yell, but quickly throws on their clothes without paying much attention, saving just enough time to look in the mirror. Nathan’s face is objectively pretty, a small relief, but the hair… Nath tugs at it, pulling it this way and that, but settling for the usual look. It will have to do, but its not doing great.

“Oh, honey, don’t you think it's time for a haircut?”  
Nathaniel shakes their head as they grab their school bag, and pass by their mom to leave. The soft, “I like it long….” is barely loud enough to be heard, and just receives a tired sigh.  
___#___  
The trek to school was uneventful, and so was school itself, chloe was was incredibly rude, miss Bustier displayed the patience of a saint, the usual. Unfortunately for Nathaniel the uneventful routine was also routeinly uncomfortable, people usually ignored them, but that didn’t stop the feeling of fantom stares, and much worse, very real, very incorrect assumptions.  
Nathaniel forces themself to focus on the sketch coming to life under their pencil, a picture of Ladybug, the new main focus of their art. The situation with Chloe mocking their drawing of them together with Marinette had been bad enough to make them avoid drawing either Marinette or themself, or, rather, an idealized version of themself based on what everyone else seems to want, what they wish they could be for everyone else.  
But a superhero? Someone everyone else admires? Someone who has had songs written about them by famous musicians? Nobody can make fun of admiring Ladybug..., right? Besides, if your going to have an impossible crush, might as well be someone famous. Marinette is too close, too obviously in love with someone Adrien for an unrequited crush to be comfortable.  
It isn’t all rationalizing and emotional denial though, Marinette’s place in Nathaniel’s heart truly has started fading, it’s slow, but with time it should be enough to face her without too much discomfort.  
Speaking of which….  
“Wow Nathaniel, that's amazing!” Marinette is leaning over their shoulder, eyes wide and sparkling. “You seem to get better every time I see your art!”  
“Th-, thanks Marinette….”  
Marinette’s face falls. “Hey, what’s up? You look down.” The true concern in her voice almost makes Nathaniel’s heart skip a beat. Almost. “Is this about… you know…,”  
“No,” Nathaniel stops Marinette before she can finish. “It’s nothing to do with… you, in fact,” Nathaniel hesitates. “I... think I’ve moved on.”  
“Oh. Really...?” She smiles gently. “I’m glad, I mean! Uh! I’m glad that we don’t have to worry about things being awkward between us! I’m mean, you know, just, because-,”  
“I know.” Nathaniel manages a smile.  
Marinette sighs hugely, then smiles back. “Thanks Nathan, but, if it's not about, you know, that, then what’s got you so blue?”  
“I…,” Nathaniel hesitates, turning to hide their face out of habit. “I’m not sure..., I think I’m still just a little shaken up by being akumatized, I… I was really uncomfortable with all that news coverage of my face, and.... Yeah.” they finish lamely.  
“Oh… I’m really sorry Nathaniel.” She hesitates. “But, one good thing to come from people getting akumatized all the time is that people will move on and forget in no time!”  
“Thanks Marinette.”  
She beems. “No problem Nathaniel! I better get going though, I promised Alya that we’d walk home together after school today, and she’s probably waiting for me right now. Bye!” She rushes to leave.  
“Marinette!” Nathaniel lurches from their desk.  
Marinette stops, confused.  
“I, I just wanted to say… I’m sorry for kidnapping you when I was… Him, and for drawing those pictures of us, it wasn’t very considerate, and we both ended up embarrassed because of it.”  
“Oh, Nath..,” The tenderness in Marinette’s voice makes Nathan lookup. “Nobody blames you for what you did when you were akumatized, especially not me. And the art… we all do silly, potentially embarrassing things when we have a crush, something I know too well….” the last line an embarrassed grumble.  
“I think everyone but Adrien has noticed.”  
“Wha- ! Adrien? Pff- p-please-, I won't do what you're talking about, I mean! I don’t know what your talking about! I-! He-! We-!”  
Nathaniel laughs. “Go meet up with Alya, Marinette.”  
She laughs too, face pink. “Yeah, okay, see you later Nathaniel!” she goes to leave again.  
“Bye Marinette.”  
She leaves, and Nathan sinks into their chair again, smile gone, exhausted. The emotions hadn’t been forced or faked, but they had been draining. Life seemed heavier of late, ever since the news footage, some… things had become less ignorable of late. Things Nathen… wasn’t sure they were ready to face, let alone talk with someone about.  
Nathan sighs, then begins packing to go home. They can finish the Ladybug drawing at home, where they can be alone. Where they can breath.  
Where they end up watching the video over, and over, and over again.


	2. Slinky Malinki

“Coming to you live, the Evillustrator, the latest of paris’s super villains, has just been defeated by Ladybug and Chat Noir-”  
Three days. Three days have passed and the video hasn’t been absent from Nathaniel's screen for longer than a class period. They’ve had to be careful to watch it alone though, as the last time they watched it in the open a teacher had come to ask, “Have you been getting enough sleep young man? You look like a corpse!” now they find dark corners of the library, unused stairwells, and even a janitor's closet. Crouched in the dark, their face underlit by their phone screen, as their eyes flicker with reflections of the video looping over and over.   
Though Nathaniel is indeed still underlit by their phone screen, still watching the video even as it makes them sick, they are not at school anymore, they’re sitting on their balcony, awake in a sleeping paris. Awake, alone, and despondent.   
As if everything else wasn’t enough, Mrs. Kurtzberg had brought up the matter of the hair at dinner. “Honestly honey, it's not like its the end of the world, I just want to make sure my son looks respectable-”  
“You’re right, it's not the end of world, so it shouldn’t matter if my hair is long.”  
“Nathaniel-” Their mother began sharply.  
“I’m going to bed.”   
And Nathaniel had left. Leaving behind a plate of nearly untouched food.   
The reaction had been both an excuse and a genuine reaction in it’s own right. Nathaniel had been upset enough to leave, emotional outbursts haven’t been uncommon for a while, but they had also been relieved not to have to make an excuse for not eating it. At least it was a different argument than usual.   
And the video plays on.  
“Coming to you live, the Evillustrator, the latest of paris’s super villains, has just been defeated by Ladybug and Chat Noir-”  
“It’s a bit late to be reliving your five minutes of fame, don’t you think?” Comes a coy voice from above Nathaniel.  
They startle so badly, that their phone leaves their hand and skitters over the edge of the balcony.   
“Whoopsie!” With the feline grace he’s known for, Chat Noir leaps from the balcony above Nathaniel, and catches the phone just before it falls from reach, extending his baton just in time to catch himself, lodging it between the upper and lower balconies. “Careful there,” Chat Noir crouches on the railing, and give Nathaniel their phone back, smiling the famous smile.   
The smile falters for just a moment, as he takes in Nathaniel's face, before it back in place, almost as if it never flickered.   
“Thank you.” Nathaniel pockets the phone.   
Chat Noir flips elegantly, landing next to Nathaniel on the balcony, and reclining in one of the two metal chairs. Showing off and making himself at home. He gestures to the other chair. “Penny for your thoughts, charmer?”  
They sit nervously, hands pressed together between their thighs. “What do you mean?”  
“I mean~ what’s got a pretty young thing like yourself all down in the dumps? If a cat’s got your tongue,” he lifts his hands in mock surrender. “I’m not guilty.” his ears twitch with amusement.   
“They move.”  
The confidence is replaced with confusion. “Huh?”  
“The-, your ears… they move….” Something else seems to have registered. “I-, I’m not pretty.” even without the blush that seems to defy the darkness around them, the embarrassment is poorly hid.   
“Yes, they do, and yes, you are. A double paw-sitive.” when Nathaniel fails even to smile, Chat Noir sighs. “Jokes aside, you seem like your in a rough spot, emotionally, as a hero, and a friend, I’m worried about you.”   
Nathaniel says nothing, just looks down at their lap.   
“And I want to listen, if you’ll let me.”  
Sinking further into their chair, they nod.   
“So, whats up kitten?”  
Nathaniel mutely pulls out their phone, and sets it face up on the table, playing the video.  
“Coming to you live, the Evillustrator, the latest of paris’s super villains, has just been defeated by Ladybug and Chat Noir-”  
“Okay... .” Chat Noir takes in the video, brow creasing. “So what about this bothers you? Everyone knows that what you do while your akumatized isn’t your fault.”  
“It’s not what I did, mostly…, it’s…, it’s how I looked, how everyone saw me.”  
“As a villain?”  
“As a m-m-, as-,” Nathaniel pulls their shirt over their face.  
“Hey, hey now…,” Chat Noir takes their hand, and squeezes it gently. “Take a deep breath. Good, now out…. Great. Take your time, the night is young.”  
“As a boy.” comes the tremulus whisper, face still hidden with the shirt.   
“Oh. Ohh….” Chat Noir sucks on his teeth anxiously. “Well, uh, before my indelicate nature fucks this up, let me just say, that that in and of itself, those feelings you have? The not liking being seen as a boy thing? That is not a problem. Nothing is wrong with you, you don’t need to be fixed, and if you need it, support is out there. Support is right here, although I might not be the best person to give it. And.. uh, oh dear.”  
Nathaniel takes a great shuddering breath, and descends into quiet, gasping sobs, still covering their face. “B-but I’m not what i’m suppos-, su-, supposed to be!”   
“Shh.., no, please don’t cry,” Chat Noir pulls Nathaniel into a panicked hug. “I never know what to do when other people cry….” He sighs, ears flattening to his head, and strokes Nathaniel’s back, searching for words, finding none that feel right. “Look, Nathaniel, are you okay with me calling you Nathaniel?” receiving a nod he continues. “Nathaniel, I may not know what you’re going through, not exactly, but I do know that going through something like this…, it’s easier when you’re not alone, find a friend.., a teacher, anyone who you feel safe with, and ask for some support, share the secret, because secrets are heavy stuff to carry on your own. Hell, I should know, you think it’s easy pretending not to be Chat Noir all the time?”   
Nathaniel hiccups, but shakes their head.   
“And you know that, because you’re living a lie just as big, and it’s wearing you out.” Chat Noir lets go of Nathaniel, and straightens out their jacket. “There we go, now, lets see that pretty face of yours.”   
Nathaniel lifts their head, gets a boop on the nose, and their tears wiped away. “I know you feel all alone, I do too sometimes, but you’re not, and, until you tell someone else, and beyond then, I’m here for you.”   
Chat Noir leaps onto the balcony yet again, grinning.  
Nathaniel gazes up at what paris had come to view as one of the most perfect people. “Why?”   
“What are heros for?” he salutes and twirls around on his toe like a ballerina, then back to Nathaniel, he speaks in a slightly more somber tone. “And because, even though I’m not trans, I know what it’s like to live in the closet.”  
“You’re…?”  
He strikes a pose, thumb pointed at his chest, tail flicking. “This kitty swings both ways, buuut,” He mimics a swoon, hands over his heart, and crows into the night. “M’lady is the only one for me~!”   
And, with that, he disappears into the night, leaving Nathaniel to stew on his advice, and ignorant of his promises to buy a particular stinky cheese, and try to get to bed in time to wake up for school the next day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> found out how to do italics.   
> decided it was a waste of time.  
> no italics.
> 
> camembert makes chat noir  
> a stinky  
> slinky  
> malinki.
> 
> this took a while, i've been busy with other, personal, writings. sorry to anyone who cared.

**Author's Note:**

> again, if you actually bothered to read to the end, I don't know when/if I'll update, I tend to focus on my original writings. if I made any terrible mistakes please tell me.   
> also, i have literally no idea why the italics, indentation, and double spacing don't show up, and frankly, it bothers me, but I'm too lazy to figure out why that is or how to fix it, so you can have this ugly inexpressive thing instead.


End file.
